Blogging

I want to stop blogging but I can’t

So this is something a little different – I originally wrote this the first week of January, and eventually decided against actually posting it. Why? Because it felt a bit melodramatic. Looking back now? It definitely is a bit melodramatic. However, it’s also completely true to what I was feeling at that time. Don’t get me wrong – I love blogging. But at times, it can get pretty darn hard. Up to and including the point where sometimes? You just feel like “I want to stop blogging but I can’t.”

I didn’t start blogging because I wanted to get rich off of it.
I wanted to blog because I saw other people – people I admired, people who I looked up to, do it. People like Blair from BlairBlogs, like Lara from Overstuffed Life.
I wanted to blog because it seemed like such an amazing thing – to be able to put your thoughts onto paper. To be able to write. Because I love to write.
I wanted to blog because I hoped to maybe get some friends from it. Some acquaintances, at the very least.
Turns out, it’s been more like shouting into a void.

Here’s the thing about blogging: it’s an immensly over-saturated market. And unless you have something special about you? Something that can translate straight into the words you write? Your blog is just a little drop in that already full bucket.
It’s felt a lot like shouting into a void. Like realising my social anxiety gets approximately ten times worse online. Or feeling that my insignificance, or at least my perceived (by me and others) insignificance, is even more blatant when put next to the hundreds, thousands, millions of other sites that fill the internet. Like feeling that my blog, that I don’t matter.

While I celebrate my blog-anniversaries, they fill me mostly with regret. Of what I haven’t done, got, reached, accomplished.
Envy, maybe, of the people who have reached several hundreds of followers in a couple of months. While I have zero. After 2,5 years.
Happiness for them too, of course – they have achieved what I would love. People should be applauded for that.

So at times, I’ve wanted to stop blogging. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel, call it quits or a day, be done with it and move on with my life.
But I can’t. I love writing too much. The chance of putting something in just the rightphrase. I like tinkering with the images and finding a title and the right key-word and playing around with a theme.

So for now, I’ll continue blogging. I’ll continue writing, and commenting, and liking, and retweeting, and hoping and working and trying.
Because I want to stop blogging, but I can’t.
But here’s the fear. What if some day I can.

-Saar